Happy Valentine’s Day!

So a guy messages you. He’s not all that attractive but he is persistent.  

“Hey.” 10:31PM

“How are you?” 11:06PM

“Dick pic?”  1:15AM

Dude, I get it but please take the hint.  In comes the handy-dandy block button, the end-all save-all miracle worker.  It is guaranteed to stop any and all unwanted attention.  After all, you have strict standards and as TLC so beautifully put it, “I don’t want no scrub/ A scrub is a guy that can’t get no love from me.”

But what is is our – excuse me, my- problem with just being honest and telling the guy I’m not interested?  One would think this route of action to be more mature and indicative of a well-raised and put-together guy.  

There’s a certain power-trip I think associated with the “block” button and using it.  When one decides to throw away all self-respect (kidding!) (#maybenotreallywhoknows) and block a guy, it’s creating a statement.  The statement is, “I believe you to be substandard to my requisites and therefore believe myself to be better than you.”

Now the “nice” side of me, the face I show the world (I’m a Gemini, it makes sense), will completely and vivaciously deny this accusation.

“I don’t think I’m better than anyone!”  

“I have a lot of work to do on myself!”

“Who could ever benefit from believing something like that?!”

The shallow and incredibly superficial side of me (again, Gemini) however knows exactly that this is what happens.  

Let’s face it guys, there’s a reason that we -ahem, I- feel this way.  There’s an unwritten but incredibly present totem-pole system in place in which every guy exists.  These sub-group memberships are restrictive and non-transferrable.

Let’s start with the most-wanted. Beautiful men are at the top, always have been and always will be. These guys are the captain-of-the-football-team types: muscular/fit, athletic, and most importantly straight-acting. We all know the “Please no fems” disclaimer.

As for the rest of us, well let’s just say not all of us have been been touched by the sweet grace of Aphrodite.  If we’re not in the in-crowd, well then all that’s left is the out-crowd.  But I would like to bring up a very important point.  Straight-acting is in a whole category in and of itself. Any guy who can pull that off automatically becomes more attractive. I’d even venture to say that straight-acting guys would be more attractive than their fem, beautiful counterparts.

Fun fact: Legend has it that the totem-pole has been passed down from queer generation to queer generation. This method of classification is why we categorize gay men into either “tops” or “bottoms,” the tops being the bro-ey athletic types that skinned Saber-tooth tigers and desperately tried to hold onto heteronormative privilege, the bottoms being the sissies that scrounged up berries and twigs to make Humanity’s First Quiche.    

No tea, no shade boys.

There is a silver-lining.  By denying the existence of this problem, I am denying myself of an opportunity to subvert this culture.  Instead, we should fully confront this and just let the guy know we’re not -er, I’m- not interested.  

“Sorry dude, not interested though I am flattered.”

Not so hard, right?

This has been a Gay PSA.

90% of guys do not know how to properly kiss; there, I said it.  What is a proper kiss you may ask? If you’re in the middle of making out with someone, the last thing on your mind should be how soon it will end.  Hence, we come to what has become the bane of my snogging experiences.

Gentleman, if the majority of what you are doing includes swishing your tongue left and right in my mouth, you are doing it wrong.

Start slow and feel out your make-out partner to try to discern how they might like it.  The two of you (or more, hopefully) should be in symbiosis, fully immersed in the moment. As it progresses, try putting in a handful of passion and a pinch of tongue, again feeling out your partner to make sure it isn’t going into the “abort” direction.  Kissing needs to be a time where you completely lose yourself; by the end you should be breathless, like you’re the pretty white girl in a Nicholas Sparks movie swapping saliva with the white hunk of your dreams. Takeaway message is this, boys: for the good of gay men everywhere, please lay off the tongue.  

  
This has been a Gay PSA.